i stood there. 15 minutes. blank. for once in my life there was nothing going thru my head. i had nothing. i have nothing. hot and humid. i stood there.

when i finally decided to hail a cab, i found it difficult to move. i got into the cab. the cabbie pulled out a few tissues and handed them to me. sweat just pouring.

i failed.

again.

yeah sure...er, wait! what?

you know its real when you see them flutterbies in the wind.

dont forget them "helicopters", works out in ways (in a state of freedom) we cant even decipher.

and they get to where they must be.


been busy
been an asshole
been drinkin like the world depended on a despondent liver
been destructive

looked forward to nothingness,
and all that it has got to offer
looked back at what could have been,
and so happy that it wasnt
looked away from the flash that nearly blinded
and thats when i caught a glimpse
looked at my hands and then my reflection
and i couldnt help but smile


if this is what there is, heck, i know where i wanna head even if i dont kno where im goin. perhaps the recent business trip provided for a change i didnt want but so desperately needed. puttin things into the proverbial perspective. the soul search ride into the desert sun and the near breakdown in the middle of nowhere. funny. hey dude u got ur projector. did i ever mention that when the dnb kicked in, the tablas sounded even better? there are no feelings but a rather matter-of-fact"ual" resonance.


"we dont do that here"
"U dont do that"
and so blah-di-blah-blah-bllllllaaaaaaahhhhh

if i knew, id quell the monster.

stifled

lookin back

most trials are inconsequential.
confiding to the wasted, what was there is now. and my toes and my fingertips, numb. so numb. but i can can actaully feel as i wave.

"yeah, ill get it done. theyre gonna get the info before they get to work" {before im supposed to be at work}

and i fell farther than ever before and f*** me, i feel even more alive.

u see what kills lets me live n see. if execution of rebirth was as easy as the shit that billy "im gonna rape ur soul" gates sells, then i am as real as the next order cycle without any changes. and damn u bastards for pushin shit that no one wants with lies and inflated articulation. why cant they see it? cuz the bastards sold their souls and u have in turn sold the souls of ur children, to prove a point. bite me. ur ineffective, because i see thru u. ur effective because u got me hands tied behind and on my knees.

im not lookin back, it is now.

"There must be some kind of way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There's too much confusion
I can't get no relief"

there are times when all u wanna do is scream....

well i try to sing
and it scares people. my landlady heard me, er, sing. her daughters heard me last nite. the younger one knows, so shes ok with it. the older one asks me today "what was that noise? was it a really scary movie? lots of monsters?"

hmmm, ok i dont sing...i listen to metal and i growl.

so it scares people. hm, i may be on to something here.

nucking futs!!

do or die!!!

lol!!!!

i so dislike em!!!!!

at least i ll know!!!!!!

my happiness is slowly creeping back, and im not a happy smiley type person

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

just love that song....

ive finally got a room again. today was clean or eventually sink. and now i see floor and no more clothes, and no more empty bottles, and no more cds/dvds and i realise living out of a suitcase is that one cant really see what they have or need. and thats when the suitcase got lighter. anyways, i can move again. so i now have reached a whole new level of enlightenment and roominess.


and i actually have a bit of a personal life. its been too long and ive forgotten what it feels like. i am beginning to appreciate things. ok fine, all that ive been hording for so many years isnt gonna take a back seat, but i have a personal life and i like. i still cant dance, oh well at least i can headbang. thats a primitve form of dancing for those not in the know.

i like.

crawl to scrape knees and then roll over n play dead....possum!!!

its been 5 years. and a day.


got reason(s) if nothing. and it makes sense. always did but didnt really want to accept.

ive tuned into launchcast and its been a good trip. theres bands n music from the nineties, brings back memories. grunge and its evolution, pearl jam and alice in chains(yeah sure nirvana, good, sorry but i think they be over rated)and the discovery of the best electronic outfit ever - the prodigy.

anyhoos, krashers is now a mutant. and im happy for mon ami stinkhead. God bless compadre!!!

thats two so far this year, the first being doc.

and no matter what, "man"kind always loses. but God bless to y'all and keep on rockin the free(?) world.

and yesssss, im drinkin n bloggin officer!!!

and im gettin home cooked food for lunch now!!!!

being lost when u cant only makes me think, why am i even bothering?

seriously tho, i wish the world would change.

and i am doin all i can...........are u?

okay, now ive learned a few things.

one being thou shalt never fall asleep when visiting a scalp artist arena aka the barber shop.

you see i fell asleep once before and i got an amazing haircut. two days ago, i fell asleep and when i woke, i got hair that stands like i stuck me finger into a live socket and there are bits that can put ol rip van winkle to shame.

oh well, perhaps i ll do a warhol and start with a collection.

and on the cricket front our boys are doin themselves proud. it is always tough beatin sri lanka at home. all teams that tour will not disagree. but this time round, well the scores speak for themselves.

another thing ive learnt is that even if u think like ur boss, hes gonna disagree and say the exact opposite. perhaps bosses like to think they think differently by doing the exact opposite of what u say and dont realise ur merely mirroring. so much for self inflicted and yet unconscious "kickin urself in the family jewels" stupidity.
"uh-huh. shore thing bossman. whatever u say"
"not whatever i say"
"but didnt u just say..well never mind, ill get it done" {cuz im a yes man}{see i agree with u even mentally, im such a good employee}{yeah right f**k me! im the annoying bastard u cant get rid of}


he don't know, so he chases them away
Someday yet, he'll begin his life again
Life again, life again...


muscles....u the man
cookie monster....ull never kno
addu....the cheeseburger that changed my life
sla.....ur right ur my good friend
powderfinger....so rulz


hm, perhaps i shudnt drink n blog.

sue me

lol

God bless y'all

so we're at it again.

we dont even need outsiders.

bastards, the whole lot.


its the weekend and i wanna be stress free, hence i shall listen to my new playlist and give comfort to my liver with a bit of a binge trip tonite.

ill nino - I am loco
36 crazy fists - slit wrist theory
abeueda - don`t be a frog
acroma - motive
all out war - destined to burn
all shall perish - promises
all that remains - not alone
animosity - saved
another animal - broken again
arch enemy - incarnated solvent abuse
as i lay dying - forever
august burns red - a wish full of dreams
belie my burial - august underground
black light burns - coward
Bloodlined calligraphy - Shall we dance
brand new - the quiet things that no one ever knows
bring me the horizon - second heartbeat
buckethead (feat serj tankian) - we are one
caliban - the beloved and the hatred
cancer bats - pneumonia hawk
carcass - heartwork
carniflex - collaberating like killers
chimaira - indifferent to suffering
coal chamber - something told me
corrosion of conformity - albatross
course of nature - anger
crazy anglos - fade
crossbreed - saints of grey
Crossfade - No Giving Up
dark new day - bare bones
darkest hour - the sadist nation
Days of the New - Enemy
deftones - simple man
deicide - imminent doom
demon hunter - i play dead
devildriver - i dreamed i died
die trying - the 6th day
diecast - torn from within
down (ft pantera, corrosion of conformity) - stone the crow
dredg - penguins in the desert
dropbox - wishbone
dry cell - grape jelly
dry kill logic - paper tiger
earshot - wait
eighteen visions - paradise city
element eighty - pancake land
elysia - theocracy
emmure - a fist fight with dick tracy
senses fail - calling all cars
endo - simple lies
evergreen terrace - sunday bloody sunday
every time i die - pretty dirty
falling up_crashings - new hope
fear factory - replica
filter - hey man nice shot
five finger death punch - ashes
Flyleaf - Broken Wings
framing hanley - hear me now
frankenstein drag queens from planet 13 - the witch is dead
full blown chaos - so cold
Godsmack - Realign
hatebreed - i will be heard
heaven shall burn - destroy fascism
high on fire - turk
hurt - ten ton brick
i killed the prom queen - dream as hearts bleed
in flames - only for the weak
jimmies chicken shack ft aaron lewis - falling out
job for a cowboy - day in black
Killswitch Engage - My Last Serenade
kyuss - one inch man
lamb of god - omerta
lifer - swallow
machinehead - all the names
meshuggah - straws pulled at random
ministry - lay lady lay
monster magnet - negasonic teenage warhead
mortal treason - a call to the martyrs
mortal treason - feed on the weak
mortal treason - khampa nomads
motograter - suffocate
mudvayne - fucking determined
Mudvayne - Happy
NOCIVO - Esperanza
nonpoint - the wreckoning
norma jean - bringing a knife to a gun fight
norma jean - shaunluu
OperationRock - Hide Your Love
opeth - demon of the fall
overkill - the years of decay
pantera - 5 minutes alone
paradise lost - mouth
percance - sigo de pie
Pillar - Frontline
pin drop violence - get 'em off
pitchshifter - shutdown
postmortem promises - self righteous
priestess - performance
primer 55 - set it off
primus - my name is mud
pro pain - death toll rises
probot - red war (feat max cavalera of soulfly)
Project 86 - Me against Me
revelation theory - take away
Scars of Life - Purity
sevendust - denial
Shattersphere - Inside My Head
sick puppies - issues
silent civilian - wrath
skillet - rebirthing
slayer - bloodline
slipknot - duality
SOLNIC-Mascara
South_of_Nowhere-Correspondences
spineshank - beginning of the end
staind - crawl
story of the year - until the day i die
stutterfly - gun in hand
Submersed - Hollow
subseven - emotion
suffocation - blind torture kill
suicide silence - distorted thought of addiction
the acacia strain - the widowmaker
the agony scene - eyes sewn shut
the almost - say this sooner
the boy will drown - deepthroat isnt a m
the bravery - believe
the dillinger escape plan - sunshine the werewolf
the faceless - an autopsy
the prom kings - alone
thornley - falling to pieces
threat signal - inane
throwdown - declare your war
to die for - immortal love
tom morello feat wu tang clan - Ain't Nothing Da Fuck Wit
underneath the gun_the awakening - faceless
unearth - unstoppable
unida - left us to mold
war of ages - broken before you
widowmaker - killing time
winds of plague - reloaded
wolfmother - tales
zao - ravage ritual


most people i know wouldnt even get near this music. well, at least the bands write their own music, play their own instruments and they talk bout what life is really like. and it brings me some peace.

what say bach?

well somethings gotta give. i cant bloody well go postal can i now? but the thought is there.


outside of work, life has been good to me.

theres so much to write, so much to talk about....but for another time.

alls i kno is, its good to feel good. and i want this forever.

the future is HERE and i missed it.

if i said the last 3 weeks of my life were simply great, i would be lying.

it was beyond that. i have discovered, let go, cared for, drank like it was the end of the world, worked like existence as a whole depended on it, touched, was touched, looked deep into the eyes of.., opened doors, laughed, hated myself even more, learn to live with, walked to the moon n back, re-lived and came out bruised, fell........and i dont want it to end.

carpe diem